Old fashioned Motorcycle Babes

I had another post here and I lost it. That’s two in a row. Is anyone else getting beta errors and the message no posts showing?

So tonight was a ton of fun riding.  It was somewhat suffocating in the gear because it was hot out. I got to hang out with a few women I didn’t know and the usual suspects. It’s always a laugh riot and such an encouraging experience, I wish we could do it more often then once a month, but it’s not possible. These women really are teaching me to push myself, overcome fear and I live!! That’s important!!

Anyways, we laugh about how women on motorcycles have such a ridiculous image.  We laugh about how we are portrayed as biker babes. Either we are half naked and using the bike as a extra large vibrator or we must be butch and missing a few teeth, more then likely carpet munchers. I’m not explaining if you don’t know what that means. Think about it, but not to long.

The girls I ride with are from all walks of life. There are two lawyers, two nurses, one waitress, one admin assistant, me :-), and one vet tech. All of us in my opinion not the typical biker babe. We are all shapes and sizes, we all have commonalities and differences. Some are mothers, some are young, some are older, some are married, some are not.  None of us show up in bikinis. So sorry if you thought that’s what being a babe was all about.

However, we do wear the leather and some of us might not even wear underwear underneath. Chaffing…ouch, but better than sweat soaked panties stuck up the butt crack. Nice visuals eh?  I’m kidding, why do think thongs were invented? haha

There’s a little babe in all of us that’s for sure and I think we are all pretty hot besides the oh gross I need shower feeling after. But we are nothing like the old fashioned motorcycle girl. One of the girls from the group sent me these. I’ve never laughed so hard. Enjoy!!  I laughed even harder at how fitting the song is to my life at the moment. 

 

 

Oh Hell…

Just a giggle and a smile today, one of my favorites.

Scientific Explanation of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was  so “profound” that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet,  which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using  Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and
heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we  need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look
at the different Religions that exist in the world
today. Most of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their  religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at  the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two  possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at  which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will  drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa,
(Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during
my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with  you”, and take into account the
fact that I slept with her last night and again this
morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only
Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why Teresa kept shouting
“Oh my God!!!”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A.”

Not Broken, But In Repair.

Well I wrote this post before I had yet another devastating blow delivered to me tonight by my H. I am just getting wound up for an incredible fight, the likes that he has no idea I’m capable of now.  Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better I guess. Anyways this post was supposed to be positive. An affirmation of reminding myself about my worth and why I am a survivor and why I will come out thriving when all is said an done.

Helen Keller said “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” When I first heard this quote years back, I don’t think I really got it. I think I still had a bit of “BUT why must we suffer” in the back of my mind.

We all have those moments where we are certain we are broken. The ones where we feel as if life has kicked us so hard in the gut that we are left sputtering, gasping and vomiting the pain out of our bodies. We are shaky, hurting and think to ourselves “Get the fuck up and hit back”, but gaining your footing is not always easy and can take a little time. You have to use all your resources, focus on your thinking and sometimes you just have to ask for someone to give you a hand and help you up.

Every moment that we stay down we miss out. I believe this. I have to keep moving, struggling because if I don’t I will perish. To no longer have any gratitude for the beauty that surrounds us and stay stuck in the negativity of situation can and will destroy you. Still, I am human and entitled to feel bad sometimes and fall apart. Even in my darkest moments and lord knows I have been having those, deep down I also know though that really “This to shall pass”.  I have to focus on surviving one moment at a time, then one hour, then one day, one week and before I know it I’m in a different place all together.

I learned this through some very traumatic experiences with my health mostly, some crippling mental anguish and experiences with others fragile lives falling apart around me and ultimately death.  Now that I find myself in another phase of discord and uncertainty, I also know I am a stronger more resilient person, with a profound understanding that I have to make a choice and have the desire to move forward.  I can say ‘life is not fair” because it isn’t. 

Some of us are lucky and we only have one or two experiences where we are devastated by life’s blows and we can get through it. Some of us are not so lucky by that one forceful hit that shatters everything, breaking it apart with such force that there are pieces left missing when we go to glue it back together.  I have two people in my life that I can honestly say stopped living when tragedy struck and they are miserable, lonely, empty shallow forms of themselves, having chosen to lose all their potential to make an impact on the world, waiting around to die. It is out my control… all I can do is continue to love them and hope that they one day find their own reasons to be alive again. I am always aware that it’s one small slip and I can become just like them.

It may sound that I lack compassion, but I think sometimes when we are so wrapped up in ourselves, we are also unaware at how our choices impact and do damage to the people around us, even if that is not our intent.  We all have someone who cares for us, needs us, wants us to be happy when we choose to stay stuck we discredit everyone, most importantly ourselves. I try to keep this in mind now when I’m laying on the ground, flattened out, struggling to stand on my own two feet. Going through a divorce is another one of those moments where I need constant reminding of that, where it’s hard to find your value and understand your significance. Fortunately, I’m also surrounded by people who get up with their spirit not only intact but with such a outlook on life that that it makes you want to go out, test your limits and say “Is that all you got world?”.  Just when you think you can’t handle anymore, you find out you can. That’s my spirit even though I may forget that at my core that’s who I am sometimes. 

Have you ever wondered how come some people with disabilities look so darn happy?  How someone with only the movement of their eyes can light up a room with their personality? Or how someone like this who against rational thought by a society about a particular disease showed the world another side and can teach us something? http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20080217/favaro_carly_080217/20080217/. It’s about having faith in ourselves and allowing others to believe in us, I think. Leaving ourselves open to life when it’s a real battle to do so.

Some of my personal heroes are people like Lance Armstrong http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lance_Armstrong,and Princess Diana. The took their adversity and turned it into something.  Reaching out, making a difference. These people are remarkable to me because they chose to fight for life, stand up for what they believed about themselves and because they were in a constant state of repair, always looking for the simple things that make them fulfilled and whole again. They were  conscious that somehow their presence in the world affects others and even if that purpose is not obvious every second of every day, it just a knowledge they had/have.

I have that knowledge about myself, although I am at a place in my life where I’m questioning what “kind” of impact I have had. In my situation with my H, we may not have been good for the other, but we learned something. As as angry and frustrated I am, one day I will be healed enough that I will look back at all of it and remember the love that I felt. I will see him in a better light and hopefully find forgiveness, not just for his sake, but for my own. I hope that he will be able to do the same thing.

Here’s why I know every experience is worth something; In my short time, I have helped someone want to live because of action I took to be there. I have been there for someone who lost the love of his life to death. I watched my first love die at a very young age and that experience alone could have shut down my heart, but instead it taught me to leave myself open and love more fiercly. He would never have wanted me to quit and I carry that, that was his gift. Even though I struggle with trust, I believe that people are usually good and want to be made to feel good about themselves and sometimes when you get over your fear of reaching out, you find you have more support than you thought.  I’ve also experienced this first hand with a friendship I have with a man who used to have little self worth because of a physical disfigurement, but now has a wonderful stable relationship with a beautiful women.  He tells me (one of the greatest compliments I have ever had) that he views himself in a different way because of my friendship.  As much as he says I have impacted his life, I know he’s changed mine.

I have been a stable influence for the past 18 years with someone else’s child and reaped the benefits time and time again with his simple words of “I love you” and the close relationship I have with him today as a young man.  I think that he knows that I’m always here whenever he needs me for anything and his parents can’t be, so I’m obligated to continue thriving for his sake because he expects me to be there. Through volunteering I have stepped outside of my comfort level and spent time with drug addicts and people with devastating disease both mental and physical to think I’m helping them, but ended up knowing that they have helped me instead. If I died tomorrow, I will know that I made a difference in both direct and indirect ways.

My point is that it doesn’t have to be on a grand scale that we feel like we are important, but we need to remember that our individual lives make up a collection of all our lives. Each person that passes through, however briefly makes an impact, makes an impression on us as much as we do them and that is the value we have as people. That is what makes any obstacle probable to overcome and life a gift.

It can be hard work to have gratitude for the simple things. It easy to be a victim and feel victimized. I know that some days it’s accomplishment to just get out of bed, be able to go for a walk, or cherish the taste of a favorite food.  I know this because I have been there. Twice in my life I was in severe accidents. The first one leaving me with some limited movement and years of rehab. The second one having put me through some serious surgeries, of which I’m not yet done, with permanent damage and incredible amounts of pain unlike anything I could have imagined and more rehab. I have spent months in the hospital, years in the medical system and have had a very close personal understanding of having a date with disaster. I know what it means to push through the pain.  The pain I’m experiencing now is just a different kind.

All of us have those times, where we all experience something that we think, ‘I can’t do this, I’m not going to get through”. Distress is an overwhelming emotion. It’s part of life, it is unavoidable, it is part of a before and after.  If I live my life with grace and dignity and get through any of it, it’s because of the incredible people I have helping me to find the pieces and because I don’t have a choice…I have to get up if I want any kind of quality of life. Having the kick in the ass does help to remind us what life is really about though.

Anyways, whew…so intense. I hope to release some of that I will not be broken or defeated attitude when I  yet again risk life and limb and put a huge smile on my face with skill night coming up on the bike later in the week. I am scared shitless as usual, but be damned if I’m gonna miss out you know?  I’m in repair, not dead and I can’t wait to feel that “Wholly crap I’m still alive!!” feeling.  It’s almost as good as sex.  I said almost…comon! :-) 

Awwww…

I have some great friends and this just made me laugh my ass off.  The person who sent me this said “This is gonna hurt no matter what (picture 1), I’m sorry (picture 2). It’s a sad place to be.” (picture 3).  Remember all us animals love you.

Now how can I not smile at that? Yeah life sucks at the moment, but I’m a lucky girl overall. Let’s hear the collective “AWWWWWW”. I would gag at the sappiness, but sappy isn’t always a bad thing. Haha

The Beginning of The End.

I know this blog is not much fun to read lately. I know that some of you are missing my wit, satire and sarcasm and my many jokes at poking fun at my American friends. Are they not being dramatic and usurping as usual? I’m sure they are.  I haven’t been paying attention, as really I have more pressing things on my mind, but I know their in the news for some reason…it seems to escaping me as to what might be happening in their country at the moment…Sex scandal? Hmmm…possible. Crime wave? Probably. Natural Disaster? Tragic.  Bush making a bad speech? Definitely. Something involving a Clinton? More than likely.  The only thing that I have had much interest in is the polygamy story. Now that’s news worth thinking about. Hundreds of children torn away from their mothers, heart wrenching, no matter the religion or belief. If you haven’t heard of this story, look here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/YFZ_Ranch

I can’t comment on Hockey because there are no longer any Canadian teams in the playoffs and that’s just added to my depression. If I say what American Hockey Team I’m rooting for, then I feel like I’m betraying my country somehow.  I will give you a hint, they have great taste in color and so I still feel slightly patriotic because they resemble the Canadian flag?   Back to moping…how can there not be a Canadian team in the playoffs? My hometown was supposed to get snow tonight I heard. It’s May and it’s snowing, so that just naturally is supposed to make us better on the ice. WTF eh!????

I’m having issues surrounding everything in my life at the moment. Which brings to why I’m yitter yattering away and not really saying whats on my mind.

Tonight I had a meeting with the H and it occurred to me after a few things were said in a certain situation that this REALLY is the end of our marriage. I can’t connect and my heart is breaking because I feel like I have been drowning in a black sea. I’ve been free diving, heading towards the ocean floor, feeling the bitter cold of my surroundings, holding my breath for an eternity.  I want to turn around now and I want to swim towards the reflection of light on the surface of the water. I want to come up for air, big gulping life saving gasps of oxygen. 

You know those moments where you truly step outside of yourself and look in?  I did that and when I felt my body sink with all this negative emotion… the fear, dread, anger, pain, disappointment sank in.  I realized I just cant be comfortable with him anymore. I can’t trust him at all. I don’t trust his actions from his words. I don’t trust his words from his actions. I can’t relax. I can’t let my guard down. I can’t let him in and trust that if I did he would stay there or that he would protect me. It’s weird to say that…but I always felt like that. I always felt like I was never really sure who’s side he was on. In fact I can say with certainty that it was definitely not mine at times.  I think about the men that hit on me in front of him. I think about how he belittled my friends. I think about how his family treated me. I think about how he never quite stood up for me. He would always say, “Well you do a better job standing up for yourself. You can say things so much better than me”. What a fucking lame excuse. Be a man, stand up for your fucking wife….and yes I’ve said it. Does that make me a bitch for slamming his manhood or does that make him an asshole for not doing the right thing? I think it makes both of us stupid.

Abandonment issues galore. That simply explains, especially reading what I recently wrote about the OM, what I was looking for.  I want someone to be there consistently. I want someone to have MY best interest at heart.  I’m not saying the OM actually does, but he gives a pretty good impression of it. That’s what I’m looking for. That’s what I need. That’s what I desire…a relationship where I’m safe and I’m an equal. Made to feel like an equal.

We went to hug goodbye after this meeting and my body was rigid, tense, withdrawn. He looked at me funny because I kind of did one of those “complete stranger” hugs. After that I just turned and walked away. I have no idea if I left him standing there or not. He was supposed to call tonight with more information and he didn’t. I don’t want to talk to him, but unfortunately I do need that information. It’s vital that I keep the lines of communication open, but again is just shows how disrespectful he is. He says he’s going to do something and he doesn’t.  So now I will have to phone him and ask again and it will be more of the same bullshit. I just don’t have the fucking energy anymore. I really don’t.  I just want to get through this and I want to shut down from him for a while.

When I listen him to talk, he doesn’t have a clue what he’s saying.  He’s ALL over the place.  He doesn’t understand the grief I’m in or comprehend the distress.  I’m trying to mourn and accept this stuff between us and he’s in a different zone. We are not on the same page at all. Were barely reading the same book. I realize that it’s been like that for years. I use just blame the common difference of him being male and my being female as the biggest issue in our lack of communication. What I really understand now is that he has no respect for me and I gave him the ability to view me the way he does, treat me the way he does.

I never considered myself a victim with him. I always thought I was bringing on his bad behaviors and I realized that tonight. It’s my fault that he says or does the things he does. It’s my fault that he’s made the choices he’s made. It’s my fault that he has hurt me the way he has. I think back to some of our fights and different times through the marriage that physically he would lose his temper and shove me by my shoulders or push me out of the way. It didn’t happen often and only rarely did he leave a mark. Only once did he all out hit me, leaving bruises and I left scracthes down both his arms when I fought back. I packed up and left for two weeks. I didn’t want to come back then, but because I had marked him again I thought that I was just as bad and it was my fault and if I had not provoked him. Craziness. I remember freaking out and saying to him WTF is WRONG with you? Who does that? Who thinks that someone else can control your behavior. He always said to me that it was something I caused him to do because I wouldn’t let up or leave him alone. I was in his face and it was true, I pursued and cried and often wouldn’t back down. I did do the wrong thing.  I totally beleived that it was ME and my actions that brought out the worst in him. I didn’t see myself as abused by him. I saw myself as provoking him. As far as the mentally abusive comments and putdowns, I was just as equal.  I saw myself as corrupting him, making him cold and cruel and when he was I retaliated right back, always feeling a little more emptier time and time again. Feeling like I had sold myself out.  Betrayed what I knew was right for wrong.

The thing is all these kind of relationships are like this. They have positive things about them. You get stuck into the “but I can fix this”, so you head of to an other counselor, you buy another book, you peek under ever nook and craney for a solutions because you still love that person. You still experience positive experiences and good times. When they are good, they are usually really good, so surely it must have been something I did.  Somehow it was my negativity, the way I said things, the way I worded things or the way I got frustrated, etc.. It had to be something in my nature to make him be distant, or mean, or hurtful.

I recently added a new therapist to my life, quite by accident, shes covering for mine who’s on holidays and since I’m in a state of crises somewhat I asked for someone else to talk to, to help me get through. I was telling her about some of the latest actions of my H and some of his latest responses and she simply said to me, you don’t have to amicable.  There is no law or rule that says you have to put your own needs aside because you feel like you owe something to respect the years you have had together. I want you to think about why you would want to stay. I want you to think about what you feel like when your around him. After tonight, spending just those few short hours, this is honestly what I feel.

• I feel critical of him and myself.
• I feel tense as if I’m walking on egg shells.
• I feel empty and void, lacking in something.
• I feel I’m not enough.
• I feel shallow.
• I feel needy.
• I feel sad. Seriously, I’m not going to get through this sad.
• I feel as if I’m sub standard. 
• I feel as if I’m a failure. I feel as if he has failed me.
• I feel as if I’m unattractive.
• I feel ugly in personality.
• I feel as if I let him down and I should have done better.
• I feel seriously flawed. 

It dawned on me tonight when I was talking to him about something and he was making a condensing statement, looking at me like I was alien or something, that I was stupid.  That my life was stupid. Irrelevant to him. That the things that make me a human being … having my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own opinions or ideas were just ridiculous in his mind. Our therapist has even said to him, “Well you can’t tell her how to speak her words.  You can’t correct her and not expect her to not become defensive.” And defensive is exactly what I feel and have felt all this time. I’m paranoid at what his reaction might be, depending on the moment and mood he’s in. It makes me feel unstable. These thoughts occured to me right then and there tonight and internally I just completly solidified and shut down to him. I remember thinking “Why am I still sitting here?” I really wanted to get up and walk away.  I wanted to physically get a way from him.

I ended up taking the dogs for a long walk later on after I got home and my pup started whining at me and was acting up on the leash, I couldn’t figure out why…and then I realized I was making a sound. I was sobbing and he was upset. I had been totally unaware of what I was feeling, it makes me wonder what other kind of fog I’ve been walking around in. When I got home, I looked in the mirror and I had the tell tale streaks of mascara running down my cheeks and I don’t even remember feeling the tears. Really. I’m just empty.

It’s going to be a tough weekend. No one is around for a bizzillion reasons. I won’t have anyone to really talk to or call during that time. Well I could call, but I won’t because they are doing their own things, you know. I’m trying not to be the needy divorcee and on the other hand I’m not really in any space to listen to anyone about their issues. I’m just emotionally drained.  I could probably hang out with a few not so close GF’s if I wanted, but I’m not into it at all. Small talk, idle chit chat. I don’t have the capability.

Besides, I was already out earlier in the week and had an unpleasant encounter with a man who I actually had to get quite aggressive with. He ended up coming up to me and aplogizing and saying sorry I didn’t mean to offend and I couldn’t give a shit.  He made my skin crawl and I just wanted to be left alone and he would not stop bugging me.  I feel like a wounded animal and someone is always ready to pounce on me.  I don’t really want to be alone, but I want to be alone. Makes no sense right? I’m told it’s a common feeling for people who are getting divorced. I am getting divorced… this is not a trial run. I’m getting more firm in that each day.

I am thinking negatively of him right now.  I can’t see his great qualities. He has been hurting me and picking at me for so long,  I can’t remember the last time I felt truly good  in his presence. 

I’m not in the best frame of mind, that’s for sure.

I think I will plan to take a drive or a ride to a different town or something so that I can just run away from it all, if even for a day. Being on the road always helps and I need to clear my head. I think things are going to get a lot more painful from here on out. I’m going to start doing some of what the lawyers have told me and I’m going to start getting my future in place in a very concrete way. I imagine that will cause alot of anger, so I have to brace myself for that. 

I’m going to let go of any hope I might have had to work it out because I am overwhelmed and really understand that it does not  matter what I do at this point. I can not save this marraige by myself and there is no way that he will give me what I need in order to be able to stay.  It is really is the beginning of the end.

I don’t care anymore.

 

Cars VS Women

Just a something to make you giggle and smirk today.

CAR VS WOMEN

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention; the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.”

Ford thinks about it and says,

“I wanna hang out with God, himself.”

The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman?” God says, “Ah, yes.”

“Well,” says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmm..” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

“It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Henry Ford,
“but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

I’m A Dirty Girl?

Bet that got your attention. Haha.  It was mentioned to me that I seem to think about sex a lot.

I’m deprived for starters. I’m a bit of dirty girl in nature I suppose. Not a bad quality to have and nothing to be ashamed of.  Sex is on my brain. I’m not getting any and my friends who are well into their separations and soon to be divorces are hitting the dating market like they are all about to start a serious starvation diet and it’s their last meal.  So much to look at, wondering what they should taste and sample.  Have you ever hung around a half a dozen horny, middle aged women? If your a guy, there is no doubt your wishing you were.

NOT thinking about sex, talking about sex or listening to someones torrid sex tale is impossible. The best one of late being my girlfriend finally got over her inhibitions (see my cougars post) and put a perma grin on that young mans face whom she has been dating for almost five months. Patient lad. Very. The first time was a three day event. I gladly, (jealous, depressed and in a fetal position) listened to any gosh darn detail she wanted to share with me cause I’m proud of her for getting over her inhibitions and making that boy so darn happy!  I had a perma grin on my face (my nails were digging into my hands drawing blood) while listening to her gloating.

Of course, all it did was remind me that I’m alone, moments of my life are ticking away and I’m NOT gettin any. Something about being alone causes you to obsess that much more. Will I EVER have sex again?  Heck it’s like that for married couples to. They think the same thing and are jealous of their married friends that might be getting any. Everyone wants more sex, some of us are just willing to stand up and say so. I want sex!!!!!!

Now that I’m separated I’m going through that insecurity CRAP. I have to worry about meeting someone that might want to have sex with me. If they do, am I still sex worthy? I’ve gained five pounds. I’m getting older. My hairdresser pointed out that I have some grey hair that requires extra coverage. Which also made her ask, are you going grey elsewhere yet? WHATTTT!!!!????  First of all, I’m surround with what 20 other people in the room, I’m not just going to say “Heck hold on a sec, let me check. Can I borrow the blow dryer?  Whew, nope that’s just lint”.  Haha.  Secondly…aww shit that means more grooming and as I get older should I not have to do less grooming? I mean seriously is there not A benefit to growing older?

My friends are obsessed with their breasts and damn jealous that my girls are still full, beautiful and real. I’m always groping myself making sure they are exactly where I left them the day before for fear that they have taken that dreaded vacation permantely south. But again can I find someone to appreciate them? And if I find someone to appreciate them, will it be in time!?  My ass is still firm, my skin still smooth, I have nice teeth.  Great lips that would look positively ridiculous and horse like if I went for collagen injections, so I’m not a plastic, plump and stuff girl. I also can walk and talk -  most days. I rarely squeak when moving a joint. I still have qualities right?  RIGHT!!!  Sorry for the rant.

Well, probably, I will have sex again, but it’s so taboo at the moment. Something I can’t even start to act on in any capacity because of my emotional state and this horrid divorce stuff.  Instead, all I can do is talk about what I’m feeling and thinking and YES OK! I’m thinking about sex.

The OM sent me this song a long time ago (he’s responsible for me being such a DMB junkie now). When he told me it reminded him of me, well I took it as a BIG compliment. I like that he thought of me as a lustful dirty girl with hunger. I liked that it causes a hunger in him.  I know he appreciates all of my naughty ways. I’m betting he would be a very lucky man if I decide to show him what four years of pent up frustration and foreplay can do to a women.

Hunger For The Great Light…

Here’s the lyrics as the videos not the best quality.

Oh great light of love
Oh great light of love
Oh great light of love

Here you go, you dirty girl
Good God, try to love try to oh
Your love is alive inside you
You know who needs you

I wanna be your hunger
I wanna see you open wide
And when I go down for you
I wanna blow your mind

It’s my aim to cure you
My aim’s to love you

You and I are such a pretty thing
Smile, smile, you know you thrill me
Cross your heart and hope to die
You know I’d love to

I wanna be your hunger
I wanna see you open wide
And when I go down for you
I wanna blow your mind

You and I oh oh
Shine, shine

Oh great light of love
Oh great light of love
Oh great light of love
Oh great light of love

You come like an answered prayer
Praise God, try to love try to oh
I have the little death delight
You know I love you

I wanna be your Hunger
I wanna see you open wide
And when I go down for you
I wanna blow your mind

You, you, hey you
You, you, ohh
You, you, ohh

Sex, Infatuation & The Affect Of Words

Words have power. They have more power to than any other single force in this world. Religion is based on words. Love is based on words. War is based on words.  I am firm believer in this. My life is turbulent, bruised and broken by them. It’s also fed, full and beautiful because of them.  Where do I begin? Back to the topic of sex and connection.

Part of the conversations I have been having recently is about knowing what you need or about in a relationship. How a partner gets too comfortable, lets themselves go or doesn’t put in the same effort that might with other people or even when you were dating.  Today someone said to me we should be treating our mates with similar treatment as we did when we were just dating.  I totally agree with this. The happiest people I know still have some mystery and romance to their couple hood. They purposefully do things to take care and surprise the other in those departments. Still flirt with the other, play with the other and seduce the other. 

Science has proven that the neocortex of your brain loses all reasoning and logic when it comes to “infatuation” and we are in happier state of mind.  When we stop being curious to see what kind of reaction we can produce from our others, then the rest of the relationship is that much harder to work at to, because something primative and vital is no longer keeping you bonded to the other.

I’ve discovered I’m somewhat of a cavegirl. I like sex. I need intimacy and require challenge to keep me happy.  I enjoy life more when I am playing and having fun ( I think this goes with all things, hobbies, relationships etc.) My relationship has failed in part due to this. Not being honest enough about that side of myself. I wonder how many people really are?  I wonder how many of us get stuck in a rut and then end up resenting someone else for something that is ultimately our own responsibility.

I have been spending some time with the H and it’s very difficult emotionally, mostly because of the things he says and his uncertainty that makes me doubt my decisions. I don’t think it’s a state I can live in very long.  I’m still stuck in a rut and although I think I am viewing my future without him and don’t feel as if things can be salvaged to the point that we could be “happy” with the other, to make all the necessary changes is very difficult.  I am simply not sure about much of anything at the moment.  I am not sure if I underestimate his abilities and have simply lost faith and I wonder if I could believe in him again, see him in the light I once viewed him in, say the right words as I know he needs, maybe it could be different. 

Then I realize, for me everything is to much of a question mark.  So I’m trying to take small steps without getting into much trouble or making hasty decisions when it comes to my life and that is including what is going on with the OM.

I knew that he would try to keep a connection if given opportunity, but his actions and words have caught me completely off guard. So much for the grown women who knows better.  He’s called very frequently over the past week and finally, I just couldn’t handle it. We ended up speaking for a few hours. Why? I needed to gain some necessary insight to what is going on in his mind to make a more informed decision as to what I was feeling. Good excuse right, well if even if it is just that, I made a right decision. He seems more vulnerable than I expected and there is a tone I have not heard before. Ask me to clarify what is now running through my head because of our conversation and your life span would be extremely shortened. I’m overwhelmed, naturally, but here’s the gyst;

He implied that his situation is in the process of changing as well. I did not take interest and ask for details. We instead spoke about what has been happening in our lives and he was very unguarded in sharing what he was thinking about all that has transpired for me personally. In his opinion, my H has been stupid and selfish to not put in the effort required to keep me and it’s about time that I figured that out. No matter what happens it’s in my best interest that I’m finally making the actual changes and taking back some control of my life.  He went on to explain that the past however many months has been very difficult for him, not knowing how I was and if I would ever talk to him again. 

The most immediate pressing thing on his mind is why not at the very least spend time together and figure this attachment out without the distress and the bullshit of feeling guilty for it for once? For the first time since we have known the other, we may have a decent opportunity to answer all the unanswered questions we have had for years now. Don’t I agree that we should figure it out? He tells me that everything is up to me at this point. He will respect any boundaries I set. If I decide that I want nothing more than a friendship than so be it. If I decide I would consider more, than it’s my call as well. He would like to see what happens.

Here is also another part of his argument as to why we shouldn’t be afraid to proceed; we are not new to the other, but know each other quite well. He is not a stranger to me, but familiar, not just some guy on the phone or internet, but flesh and blood.  We are comfortable in person …it doesn’t get any more real than that. If we can continue to spend time time together, it will allow us to get to know each other further.  He understands that I’m not ready to leap into anything and he stated he’s not asking for me to spend a life with him - yet (funny how 1 word can change the meaning of a conversation if you let it). And I feel a sense of deja vu writing that, because I know that the friend  also said something very similair. Am I stuck in the matrix? What he desires, and wants at this point is just to remain open to the possibilities and see what we can be with out the insane pressures of before.  

If he were any other person, there would be no question in my mind that I would not be wanting anything other than a cup of coffee and a conversation to pass the time.  If anyone else, including the friend  (who has backed off after being in those exact words told to do so) came to me right now and demanded that I spend time with them, well it would be a simple decision. However, in this situation, it is a very short distance to the OM in terms of intimacy and I don’t mean sex. Although, that would definitely be a strong component of how we relate to the other. If both of us are available then there is no reason to hold back. We are still infatuated with the other.

My girlfriend asked me a very important question in regards to that…”If your not with your H, would it not haunt you for the rest of your life if you don’t see what you have with this man, who obviously is in love with you?” She uses the word love because she’s believes that no one hangs on for that long for just a nice ass, and my ass is nice but not that bloody fantastic in her opinion - bitch :-) It’s a good thing that I don’t really pay that much attention to her blah blah blah. Haha.

What is so different about this relationship compared to any other I ever had is that I don’t have to try fit a mold, make an impression, or put on an act of who we might or might not be.  We do know what the other is about for the most part and we have continually communicated that.  I know I have written things contrary to that here at times, and may not always understand his motivations or his actions, but I sit and talk with him and either he is the worlds best liar or that is sincere emotion in his voice. Where he once seemed confused and as he puts it - confused by my confusion, he now seems very clear.

What has been confusing for me, is that he has tried so damn hard and continues to do so now. He stated that he that he put the pressure on recently because he needed to tell me what he has been feeling before we just moved forward with our lives in different directions, perhaps complicating things even more. He really beleives that any obstacles that were there are disappearing by the day for us both and life creates exactly what needs to be created in the moment in order for things to change. The one thing that has been constant is our pull to the other.

He is manipulative, obviously. Read his words. I have certainly never had a man express himself to me quite like that and you should get a load of him in person, those words are intensified 1000 times. The man has sent me text messages that have caused me to stop the car, or drop whatever it is I’m doing to sit and reread it fifty times, his words can cause that much reaction in me.

I have been talked to by other men and my H included could make make me feel like I’m Aphrodite http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphrodite and Athena http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athena all rolled into when it comes to seduction, but that is a hard thing to keep going. However, the OM has that capability and the ability to impact me in such a way that I have changed my view on things and trust me I’m damn stubborn. It’s no easy feat to get me to step outside the box and think about things in a different light.  Of course, I would never let on that is some of his hold on me.  He has enough attitude.

Besides, it is also much more fun and thrilling for me to see how hard he will chase, because I like to play the game to right? I mean if I’m honest, am I not as addicted to him and as what he is to me?  Is that not what the past however many years have been about? The conquest? I think so. Like most women I’m aware that a guy always wants what he can’t have. Give it to him to soon if you think that it’s in your best interest not to pursue something long term. Act needier or clingier than you are and that will turn a guy off quickly. I would have to say that works similarity the other way around to. Be aloof enough, but not to much (we still want you to come across that your slightly consumed by our charms) and we will chase right back. There is a balance.

My relationship with the OM has that balance, but he has also an incredible persistence. He has moments where he instinctively knows that he has to pursue relentlessly. Which usually results in my giving in, falling for every thing he says hook, line and sinker. Feeling like “damn he got to me again” and then I get freaked out and run in the the opposite direction.  Usually that is accompanied by me yelling at him, calling him a few choice words (I think it’s in those moments he desires me most) and reminding him that he has completely destroyed my life. Then I feel bad and want to connect to him again.  OK reading that I’m just wack.

What’s astonishing to me is that he rarely gets angry, instead he stays calm, tells me that he simply doesn’t know how to respond to some of what I say to him, that I have no idea how pissed off I can make him and how annoying I am at times, but ok… I’m upset and those are my feelings and he can’t tell me what to feel. Then he will leave the next move up to me, usually giving me space, letting me calm down and then come backs (and here’s the secret to really get to a women -consistently come back ) with “I love you, am right here, let me know when you want to talk”. These are just unfair fighting rules. How do you not want to work out something with someone that is prepared to listen, work at the connection, rather than shut down?

He seems to have an extreme measure of patience. He always makes time if there is something that needs to be addressed or supported. He has a very creative imagination. Just when I think he has said something five hundred thousand ways and I will grow tired of it, he comes out with five hundred thousand and five and then makes it seem like I gave him the idea. Do I have any other suggestions?  He’s smart.  He keeps me challenged and intrigued, but is easygoing enough that it will be okay to let me teach him a thing or two or win at something. If I lose, well then he will be a friend, stroke my broken pride, wipe away my disappointment and put me back upon the pedestal, untarnished and as a whole as ever. These are the dynamics on an the emotional level.

We have helped each other through some stuff and that is how we became close friends. No matter how rocky the relationship gets - deep down he has me convinced that he will be there if ever I need him as best as he can be. Even with the mistakes we have made and the circumstances that have been involved we still genuinely care about what is happening to the other person. We keep trying to remain there for the other in a way that makes the rest of it worthwhile. He can really wound me, piss me off, but he makes my palms sweat, my heart flutter and my mind spin. I don’t know how to get over that. I did have that at one time with the H, but he could never express himself quite like this man and it has been a lie to say that I don’t require someone that can handle me.  I’m not without fault, not without flaw and I want to appreciated for them as much as I am appreciated for all the things that do make me a someone worth pursuing.

So, of course he has influence, what women in sane mind, would not get sucked into that kind of man? He says all the right things and so when he does something wrong, it seems more tolerable to live with. My H and I both forgot about a relationship needing that sort of balance, so that we could move beyond the things that maybe hurt us. We got to comfortable, we stopped putting the required effort.

I’m not winning the battle, or am I?

Well at this point, I have not committed to anything. I said I would think over the things we talked about and that I need to focus on my life around me at the moment. Regardless as to what he has to say, I need to be clear about the choices I am making. I also explained to him that it was a huge conflict of interest for me until I reach an agreement in regards to certain things with my H. I don’t need to cause more pain and grief and that I’m not finished with the situation I’m in.  I’m devastated by everything that has transpired and am fully aware that there is a process that I have to go through whether I like it or not.

I am striving to take care of my own needs first rather than wants and desires.  My days are full taking care of the house, the animals, work, friends and pursuing my own interests. I need to be cautious. Being alone is hard work and it is strange to not have another human around all the time when that is what you are used to. I think as long as I remember that this is all about adjustment right now, then maybe I can ward off any advance the OM is making as well.

I also keep telling myself that it will never last between the OM and I, especially if I start anything right now.  I’m in rebound mode for sure. Then there are the conditions of which we met, the fact that I have had doubts, misunderstandings and feelings of mistrust at different points already. As a friend, undoubtedly I would love to have him there and be there for him. No question and so I will always want to give him what I can if I’m in a position to do so.

As a girlfriend…well, I don’t know. That’s complicated.  We are dangerous to the other on the level where we are tied up into that connection, the sexual hunger and need to fill the other up has consumed us. That intoxication is amazing and can be the thing that holds two people people together, but it can also be the thing that causes them to combust.  I cheated on my H to be with him and he cheated on his GF to be with me, what does that say about the people we are? Will I not always be questioning of what he is capable of doing, will he not always question the same of me?

I know that he has something to gain here, he even admits it without shame.  It feels strange that this time has come.  My life feels surreal at the moment. Months ago I thought I really wanted the opportunity for more. I acted like I would have given anything for just a few moments with him. I did give, more than I think I wanted to.  What a relief it would be to “get him out of my system”. BUT…it’s to big of a question mark at the end of that but as well.

It occured to me while talking to him that the biggest draw to this man for me is this; he can be tender, loving, giving with his words and that can create an irresistible attraction, but what makes him enticing is his ability to demand and just expect more from me as if  it is his entitlement to be a part of my life. He takes control in a way that I have to yet to understand, apparently it’s one I like because it is even more surprising to me is that I let him.

Is It All About Sex?

Does desire always trump choice?  Is it all about sex?  Are we drawn into things that are forbidden because of primal need, curiosity, a mammal requirement of our species? What motivates us to do things that we would say we would never do. Sex. Sure. Sex enraptures us, challenges us, pushes us and changes us, but it’s more than that. These places that we travel, that we talk about, that we hide or pretend that we are not of same cloth all have one thing in common. Connection.

We are not meant to be alone and so we seek out connections wherever, whenever to fill those gaps in our lives when we are lonely. And all of us are lonely at some point, even when surrounded by others. All of us seek a deeper connection, even if that connection is only a few words and exchange of body fluids.  That is why the act of sex itself has power.

It was a conversation I had amongst five women, sitting around my house while consuming to many drinks, and we post an ad on the internet for my girlfriend who just turned forty and officially signed the papers for her divorce.  What is she seeking?  Well not the guy with the tuft of hair on his forehead, the beer gut and the line of “There is this and then more.”  *Shudder*  She’s seeking what she had in her marriage for a while…a sense of security, someone to call home eventually, but for now she will settle for some really great sex.  Wouldn’t we all.

This movie seemed fitting for this topic.

Touch…

Two Steps Back

It’s been another interesting few days. I looked at my stats today to see this link…

http://www.blogher.com/breakup-blogs-does-sharing-your-pain-just-lead-more-problems-yep

Of course, seeing this kind of stuff makes me question again, am I sharing to much information? Probably. I will also state that I have made a point to change or add details in order to throw anyone that might know me and think this is my blog, so there is definitely some slightly fictional information here, but the bottom line is the people, the players and the feelings are all real. The situation all to uncomfortably genuine, and blogging about it has kept me sane.

When I think of getting caught, it’s is not by coworkers, friends, etc. I am concerned if discovered by my H it will make the “amicable” aspect much worse. If you have been reading for a while, then you will have noticed that up until the separation I did not say much about him. Now, however, I’ve been saying a whole lot, maybe to much and I will keep weighing this decision to talk about things until it’s unbearably uncomfortable and it no longer serves a purpose to me. I believe the people being mentioned in this blog are being protected on all levels, except for maybe myself.

That being said, I’m going to bite the bullet and share an excerpt of something that that OM wrote me. There is a valid reason I share this and put it here… because it reminds me of what I’m up against. Why I keep feeling like I’m taking two steps back, before moving forward, even though when I read back on this blog, moving forward is the thing I have seemed to want to do.

I made poor choices over the last weekend on a few different levels. I had spent some time with the H and found that to be very difficult. It’s not that it was all negative, in fact quite the opposite as we enjoyed some time together and talked some things out, expressing love and confusion some more. He doesn’t want to push for a divorce quite yet and is sticking to this being a separation which part of me is grateful for, but on the other hand, I am trying to predict the future and this is not a comfortable place for me. I keep pushing for an end to it all and I’m sure that has everything to do with the fact that I am the type of person who requires closure to things.

This is heart wrenching for us both and when we are not in the heated moments of anger and can avoid  being nasty to the other, then we are both in some pretty serious grieving and emotion. It’s very uncomfortable and makes you react irrationally on all levels.  Which is what I have done when it comes to the OM. Here are some thoughts…

Are ALL men pervs? Yes - to a degree and given opportunity.

Are ALL men pains in the ass? Yes - ask any woman.

Are ALL men irresistible to a woman who seems vulnerable? - No…not all. 

Are all men persistant when they want something? Yes, but not all can hang in for the time required. It’s the ones that do that are the real trouble. They are the ones that can convince you that they have no other agenda rather than to enjoy you for the person you are. The other ones make themselves pretty apparent right of the bat and while flattering, its not usually enough to keep a connection.

I was talking to a friend and he made a comment about competition. How he needs exclusivity when in a realtionship and how in my life, I always have so much interest.  It was an interesting discussion between us. I found his observation of me accurate, although feels kind of crappy that I come across as soooo…”easy”. My word not his.

But maybe that’s what I am to a degree, and I don’t mean in a sexual way, although when engaged with right person, I’m totally there.  I mean easy in the sense that I have a hard time breaking a connection once it’s made, it makes it hard to move forward in my life. I’m a people person and I love getting to know someone and I make connections fairly easily. So…how does one stop being who they are in nature, even if it gets them in trouble? Do I inherently lack something in my boundaries? I wonder sometimes. Obviously I am leaving myself open for that scrutiny here.

I know I lack when it comes to a certain people. I know I should walk away. I’m far from stupid that I should not encourage the OM to keep trying to have any connection to me right now. I’m not entirely encouraging or discouraging, but I am leaving myself open to the possibilities as I have conflicting emotions about what I’m searching for or what I need.  I’m too easy and a little desperate for some comfort right now.

He really is the only competition, at this point anyways, but if I could a find a way to continue to be with my H and have the relationship be what we both needed than I would fight for that because I’m still in love with him. I am just hopeless and spent most my marriage that way. I feel defeated by it all and that’s what sharing on this blog is about.  Writing about it all this has helped me gain perspective. 

It’s simple what this OM gives me a connection unlike no other. Let me elaborate, I think I’m pretty, but more importantly it’s my other aspects of myself that I think makes me engaging to people. I don’t fall into the gorgeous nor stunning, as some men have told me and I don’t believe them when they use those words for the most part…they are puffing me up and feeding my ego, which is totally acceptable, but it’s not how someone gets to me. THIS is how someone gets to me. This is a combination of some of things he has said over time.

I think about you everyday
How it felt to spend time with you and share my thoughts
I ache to continue
To know more of you
You would think by now I’d be alright and I should be stronger
And I know these things have been as they needed to be

I am asking you to think of the possibilities now
Don’t ask me to let you go because I can not
I am still with you
You are a fantastic woman and a wonderful friend
A part of my mind for these years
A part of my soul indefinitely

I miss you
I love you
I’m here for you

Forgive me if I have hurt you
Trust that I wont again
I see clearly what I want
I want you
I made you promises and I will always keep them
I gave you my words
I meant everything and that will never change

I am your friend and you are mine
I will always be here
I will wait my love

He is relentless, rips my heart time and time again. He is much to corny and childish, so incredbly sexy and delightful. Makes me sad, makes me want to cry, makes me to want to give to him and feed both our hungers. 

This is why, its that he connects with me in this way, among others and although he has gushed over my physical attributes, it as simple as…he says the right words. If my H and I could have kept putting in that effort, we would be happily married. When a person shows you that the want you in their lives, that they will fight for you and that you offer them something that it seems no one else does, how do you not want to give it back? It changes your demeanor, it changes how you feel towards them, changes how you act and react.

This is the pull that I have fought for so long, destroyed my marriage over and given up time and time again, only to be drawn back in. It makes me angry, it makes me happy and it causes me great anguish. It is the hardest thing to quit. It is like an addiction, one that I want to say “I shouldn’t be doing this” and then doing it anyways. One more time for one more moment, so that I can overcome this pain I’m in and just lose myself in feeling that incredible intoxicating pull of being loved like that. It would be disaster if I followed through on any of it.

I sobbed uncontrollably as I read his latest messages and then in the end, overcome with need and emotion, I responded with one word. “Maybe”.  His intention is to get together very soon to talk this out in person and he will come to me when I want. Maybe I will, because I know right now as it sits I will never be the same no matter what I do now. I’ve lost so much and given so easily to the wrong people.  Will I ever trust that there will be a right one? I thought I had the right one when I married him.

Maybe you cannot change the things that just are, you have to learn to accept them.  I can’t completely explain why we have had the pull to one another that we have, but I can’t deny that I have felt it either.

Life’s road is not easy. All it takes is two steps and you move forward or backward…it’s just the direction you pick right? Now I have really shown myself and left myself vulnerable, but this connection has ruined me and continues to do so. Maybe yelling it out to the world is my last ditch effort at saving myself from walking in a direction that I will get lost in or maybe I’ve already turned the wrong way and there is no going back. Either way, I wish someone could give me a map and help me see where I’m supposed to be.